Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Previously, we’ve folded these in to our betting guides, whether that’s been for the NFL slate or a bizarrely successful run through the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey. 

I have nothing against White Claw. I just don’t think it tastes like anything.

The brand that helped launch the ongoing hard seltzer trend has, for me, stayed too true to its source material to be all that enjoyable. Every flavor offers a faint hit of what it could be, washed away by dry bubbles. It’s a reasonable alternative that tastes fine on ice but has been utterly skippable when it comes to my beer fridge.

I assumed all seltzers were roughly in that range before High Noon’s vodka/soda-based offerings changed my mind. Those tasted like actual cocktails while retaining the fizz and low calorie count of its genre. With summer set to settle upon Wisconsin at some point — 66 and rainy all weekend! — it felt like a good time to give White Claw another shot.

That led me to their new REFRSHR line of flavors which promise “a completely new take on lemonade.” That seems ambitious since there are already a bunch of other hard seltzer lemonades on the market, but the mix pack I was sent also led me to Google whatever the hell “calamansi” is, so there’s at least a partial truth in that statement. The flavors seem tasty enough and at 5.0 percent alcohol and 100 calories, it packs more of a punch than light beer or High Noon without ruining anyone’s diet.

So sure, let’s see what White Claw’s gonna use to secure its standing in the seltzer world.

I’m starting off with a classic lemonade variant, though the kiwi is a nice touch. High Noon’s kiwi vodka/soda/seltzer hybrid set a high bar here, but I’m just happy we’re embracing the world’s hairiest fruit. Unfortunately, White Claw’s blunt seltzer lack of sweetness is front and center despite the brand extension. That’s a pretty big contrast to High Noon, which was lighter and sweeter like a soda or a vodka tonic.

That said, REFRSHR (I’m never gonna get used to typing that, cool) is sweeter than your regular White Claw. The strawberry taste paired with the bubbles of the carbonation reminds me of the fruit’s seed-packed skin, oddly enough. But strawberry is quickly swept aside by the kiwi, and if we’re calling this a “hint” it’s basically a Blue’s Clues-style enormous paw print. The lemonade undercurrent is an acidic sourness that shows up toward the end before a hint of sweetness plays bouncer and tries to usher the whole trio out of your mouth.

It’s not bad, but it’s not especially good if you’re not a seltzer person to begin with. I’d have no problem grabbing one of these from a cooler at a cookout or tubing down a shallow Wisconsin river as my skin slowly turns an angry pink. But, unlike the High Noon that came before it, I’m not going to actively seek it out.

That’s just one flavor. Let’s see what else we’ve got:

Blackberry is a tremendous asset to the boozing world. Anyone who lives in a place where the weather regularly dips below freezing probably has some loud feelings about blackberry brandy.

That blackberry is up front and center and works much better with the cherry than the adversarial relationship between kiwi and strawberry. It also tastes sweeter than the last round, though that acidic sourness of what’s trying to be lemonade undercuts it. These would be nice enough seltzer flavors on their own, and while “lemonade” sounds great for a summer special it feels like simpler would have been much better.

Again, this isn’t undrinkable or even bad. It’s fine. It just feels like White Claw settled with “good enough,” which is a reasonable outcome when you’re so damn popular you gave a generation of budding hipsters the inspiration for their script “no laws when you’re drinking Claws” upper arm tattoo — probably over a crashing wave or maybe the prone body of their high school gym teachers.

I don’t know what these youths like anymore, man.

The fifth-best kind of orange and the third-best color of raspberry. Neat.

Again, the lemonade isn’t really a part of the procedure. It merely creates a bitter orange flavor to battle with the dry seltzer and a little bit of saccharine sweetness. It’s a little easier to drink than the last two rounds, though there’s a chance these are just going down smoother with volume.

That’s not really high praise, though. White Claws, at their core, are not difficult to drink. This is central to their appeal. They’re also not overly sweet, which means you can put down a bunch of them on a sunny day.

Unfortunately, we’re 0-3 on flavors I’d actively seek out so far. Again, these aren’t bad! They’re fine! There’s a lot going on, and people who like seltzer will probably love them. But I’m getting the distinct impression these aren’t really for me.

O … K. I had to make multiple searches to figure out if this was the Cuban citrus hybrid or just Spanish for “lemon,” and I’m still not 100 percent certain. I also googled “calamansi” and learned it’s a Philippine lemon-lime-ish citrus hybrid. Off to a great start!

The citrus-on-citrus is a lot cleaner than the three flavors that preceded it. The sour, acidic taste makes way more sense here. This tastes a lot more summer-y than strawberry kiwi or blackberry (though hold onto that one for winter, White Claw).

Unfortunately, it’s still not great. Credit to the company for branching out, but the overarching memory left behind by all four variants is the citric acid waiting at the bottom of every sip. White Claw dialed up the flavor, which is great. It also mostly biffed the lemonade part of the transaction, which sucks.

With a good lemonade, the sour citrus hits in the end with a bite. It is, to steal liberally from a Smirnoff Peach Lemonade bottle, crisp. REFRSHR’s efforts just sorta fall flat at the end, leaving an acidic coating on your tongue. If you take a sip of White Claw’s lemonade and then take a sip of water, that sourness sticks around. It’s a brand extension that makes sense on paper but fails to follow through.

That’s a bummer, because White Claw was nice enough to send it out in a very special box filled with a fanny pack, bucket hat and other items I will not be wearing because I am an adult and only have 90 Instagram followers. Thanks for letting me try your new stuff, large brewing company. Sorry I didn’t like it that much. Maybe other people — people who already have a fondness for White Claw — will respond more positively.

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